Search

Life's Little Lessons

"If you ask me what I came into this life to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud." – Emile Zola

Tag

society

 Upside Down

Rejection.

I think I’ve battled it since the womb and I’ve wondered if it’s the first thing people see when they looked at me. Has it been something I’ve hidden behind or has it been a shiny little pin I’ve worn on my lapel and I’ve used it as an excuse for the things I’ve done?

Probably both.

My parents dated in high school and my mother was a year older than my father which made him a Senior when she announced she was pregnant with me. He was honorable and gave her a little ring, which I store in a little wooden box in a chest in my room since their divorce, and I choose to believe they went in, full of hope, that a baby would save them.

But rejection was rooted deep in my family and everyone had their own baggage long before I was born. Unfortunately, as much as I love them both, their baggage became mine and sooner or later I had my own and before I knew it, everything was jumbled and it became very difficult to sort what was theirs, what was mine and what was ours.

I took it all.

Fast forward to my own marriage and here we are, all jumbled. Maybe we are normal. Maybe jumbling takes place in every marriage. Maybe every couple has their share of heart aches and breaks. Maybe it’s part of being human and being in human relationships. I am not really sure but one thing I am sure of is this:

I have continually allowed myself to feel rejected based off other people’s responses TO me. If it’s not what I had hoped for or what I had envisioned it would be…if their words did not match their actions and I found myself in the presence of a good talker rather than a good walker, I’d allow the perceived lack **of whatever** to pretty much obliterate my identity. I become worthless and not enough. Not valued. Not really liked or loved. I essentially allowed man to take the place of God and I’d worship the opinion and the approval of flesh and blood rather than The One who already says I am…

And I tell myself it’s easy. Too easy. “Anybody who has been through what I’ve been through within the span of my short life would be looking through the same clouded and muddled lens.” As soon as I have that thought, I realize I’m double-minded and rejection IS the shiny pin I wear on my lapel. I use it as an excuse. Rejection has been an old friend and as much as I loathe it, I don’t know how to live without it.

So over the last two weeks, I’ve been waking up each day choosing to intentionally posture myself to see how God sees.

How God sees me.

“Who am I?”

I need reminded because I’ve obviously forgotten.

I think of Jesus and I think of one of my favorite verses in scripture:

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

This is WHO HE is. This is ME.

I read further and know I’ve been thinking like a child. I looked up the scripture “Do unto others and they do unto you,” and all I find is this: 

“Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.” Luke 6:31

Damn.

I think again of Jesus. My thoughts always go back to Him and I realize that deep within me, what I’m really longing for is to become Love. Not just a little bit here or there. Not just in pieces and parts or to have characteristics of but to BE…

So I give up my childish ways and I show up and it hurts. It hurts more than I thought it would.  It makes me feel naked and exposed. It feels all upside down. It sears my flesh and feels like salt on an open wound and it is not always reciprocated and as much as I want to adjust myself and alter WHO I AM based off of how someone responds to me, I do not. I choose to believe I’m worth someone’s time and attention because I know that I am and that knowing allows me to give freely without strings.

Until I stop reacting to my circumstances and start responding to the love of Jesus, my circumstances will not change.

And I know it.

Don’t stop showing up and being you based off of how people respond to you. How you love anything is how you love everything for love is a quality of relationship more than a statement about the worthiness or deservedness of the object loved. -Richard Rohr

Keep Up

I could begin to feel it coming on, the weight was bearing down fast and hard.

Some would say feelings are dangerous things and should not be trusted, and part of me agrees in a sense, but would also argue on the other hand against that statements validity. Feelings are important. They arrive on the scene in a flash and place a check in my gut and if I listen close enough, halt me in my tracks. They try to talk to me in various ways and give me gust of CAN-DO’s that get me off my ass and encourage follow through. They allow uneasiness to settle if I make a rash decision or if I’m headed down the wrong path or one a little too soon. They give me peace and contentment on one hand to proceed and a colored flag in the other imploring me, “Look Here.” 

So when these feelings come, I don’t try to shove them out my front door like an unwelcomed houseguest. Instead I invite them to stay for a bit and this time, I sit with them and I say,

“WHAT ARE YOU TRYING SHOW ME?”

“You are spending too much of your time looking at what other people are doing, particularly in how they are interacting with one another and you think you need to keep up. You need to be this to that person and that to another. The heaviness you feel is the weight of your own expectation and looking too long leads to you compare which inevitably makes you think you need to measure up. Before long, here you are, feeling not enough. The list grows and quickly…you don’t think you share Jesus enough, that you aren’t a good enough friend, blah blah blah…

because if you were…”

So to me, the weightiness is a cue.

R-E-F-O-C-U-S

Eyes off the crowd. Cheer them on, yes. Stay in the “Good For You” spirit which is honest and sincere because we were not created to go it alone. Others are vitally important, they are much like our feelings; they inspire, encourage, caution, correct. And some you got to let come and then let go. I know for a fact that one person’s ceiling may be my floor and vice versa, but I don’t necessarily think we need to step on one another’s backs to make progress. I envision crossing finish lines together, hand in hand, but then again..you may want to pay me no mind. My head often gets lost in literal clouds and I’m known to be overly sentimental. What I am trying to say is BOTH are needed but I know in order for forward movement to take place, I must do MY part. I got to step. So I find myself doing the dance and engage the continual cha-cha of life…

step back…step to the side…step forward

I am once more reminded to set my own pace and run my own race. I want the team, I need the crowd, but if I am not careful, my identity can get wrapped up in WHO they are and not in WHO I am.

What is good for the goose is not always good for the gander, or maybe it’s what is good for the gander is not always good for the goose…whatever it may be, don’t forget you were created individually unique with purpose and are a intricate part of a family…

a family who very much needs to you to show up as YOU.

My Cell Phone is Ruining My Life…Longing for a Simplier Me.

There are eight adults in the waiting room. All on their phone, myself included, except two.

One is resting his head back against the wall and has his eyes closed. The other has her face in a book and is continually turning pages. I want to say “What the hell is happening to us, folks?” but I don’t. I sit and I long. I miss the days where I didn’t have to look up to acknowledge someone’s presence. I miss the days where leaning my head against the wall and closing my eyes was an option. I miss having my face in a good book while my hands turns its pages. I miss sitting, watching particles float through through the air while my heads empties into it.

I miss striking up a conversation with people, skin and flesh people…

My awareness that this device in my hands is continuously contending for my attention tries to make me feel powerless and controlled. Numb. I start to think it’s at fault but I know better. I AM. Anything can be used to keep me from being present and aware of my surroundings and the people in it; the wall my head rest against, closing my eyes in order to breathe, holding a book up to my face, staring blankly into the air.

Anything can be used as a respite from reality, the question is “WHY am I wanting a break from it?”

It would be easy and convenient to place blame; to say the PHONE made me do it, that this phone has made me obedient to every notification like some dog who does tricks on command. To say the PHONE made me zone out instead of simply watching the air and the people who breath it. That would all seem unfair because it has given me the illusion of productivity therefore necessity because I now have everything and everyone at my fingertips which just means more done and more connection, right? Then why am I left with a dull, nagging pain? Sometimes I’m less connected with real people and more concerned about the the cyber-laced layers of their shadows and the knowledge of that alone gnaws at my gut. It would be easy to…

But I am not powerless…

And I have been challenged. With every challenge comes an opportunity to tarry along unscathed or to dig deep and make a change. This cannot be MY new norm.

Technology is not my contention. Learning how to powerfully choose and guard…is.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑