I got online and placed the order. I then followed up with a phone call, just to verify. This is what one does when they don’t have much time and they have to drive to another state to pick up a gift. They make sure everything is taken care of on their end so life goes well and planned.
But not really. Absolutely not reality.
I arrived on time, fourty-five minutes from home on a work day. “I am sorry. Your ticket never printed so your order is not ready. Can you wait?”
I almost died.
“I am sorry. I’m not sure what happened.”
It took a lot of effort, but I looked her in the eyes and smiled because there are worse things and I KNOW it.
And I did NOT say it…
I’ve come to realize through a series of unfortunate events that I’ve had the life long habit of saying “OK.”
“Don’t worry about it, it’s OK.”
“Yep. I’m OK.”
Every time I speak those words out loud, I discovered I’m not necessarily mouthing them FOR the other persons benefit, as one would think. I mean maybe sometimes in an attempt to people please or smooth things over so there’s not conflict but for the most part, my OK is a learned response so I don’t think feel or think that things AREN’T.
Becuase OUR perception becomes OUR reality for as a man thinks in his heart he is.
If I think I’m OK than I am, right?
Because you shouldn’t think or feel any other way. You keep things looking nice. You stay happy. You keep your yard neatly mowed and your house clean so when guest arrive and cross over your threshold and have a seat at your tabke, they have NO IDEA that you are anything other than…
And with thhat one, small word, the battle begins…
“Don’t feel that way.”
But I do.
“Don’t think those thoughts.”
But I am.
And every time I contradict myself, I burn. I seethe in the fiery flames. But then there’s Jesus, in it with me saying, “OK. Now let me show you another way so you can move forward from here.”
He is Love, Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness and Truth and He inserts Himself into my hole till I no longer have to climb my way out. I just AM out.
Was it the end of the world that they botched my order causing me a thirty-three minute delay with my day? NO. Did it kind of ruffle my feathers that I showed up having done MY part and they didn’t show up and do THEIRS?
So I DID NOT look her in the eyes when she apologized and say, “It’s OK.”
I DID look her in face with all the willpower I could muster and smiled, even if slightly forced, and my heart remained opened becuase of it. In return, I didn’t think awful thoughts as I walked out of the door. Don’t get me wrong, lots of thoughts went through my head at warp speed but pretending I WASN’T having them was not going to do me any good and in return, her good.
I gave myself PERMISSION to BE, just as I was which totally and completely freed me to be genuine and sincere with the rest of the world around me. If I had said that one, Small word…I most likely would have walked out the door angry and bitter towards THEM because of MY choice not to show up honest and real.
WITH me. IN my moment.
Some things in life friends are not OK.
Wherever you are at today, be honest with yourself FIRST. I believe if you don’t try to quickly drag yourself out of some hole and just give yourself permission to be there for a moment or two so you can process it all through, you can remain at peace and walk unoffened.