I’m all for the gray areas of life because I believe that they exist. I also like to color outside the lines. I’m all for accommodations, adjustments, alterations and such but I’m not for compromising my heart and settling for less than I know I deserve. Less than what I know that I can give.
And I have.
And over again.
Because, what if I don’t and someone gets pissed and then doesn’t want anything to do with me at all? The loss of their approval, even their disapproval of the me they thought they knew, the me I thought they wanted me to give…would be heart breaking.
These are real thoughts.
But guess what?
I want something to do with me.
I want something to do with me a whole bunch. I actually DO believe I am worthy of simple things like:
Having someone’s whole heart.
And the problem has been I haven’t seen myself accordingly. I’ve been misaligned, like looking at myself in a mirror that has been distorted and cracked. I’ve compromised but not in a way where I’ve sat down and negotiated my value. I just kind of took what I got.
Even if it was crap.
I asked for more. And I’ve been told I’m unreasonable.
Like communication and having the ability to work all the way through to the other side is some sort of abnormality reserved for super humans.
The further side was a luxury I could not afford.
And now here we are and I wonder how we got here, how I did. The writing on the wall is as clear as the line that I’m finally drawing and I know.
I will no longer negotiate my identity.
I will no longer settle for anything other than faithfulness. Wholehearted and true.
I won’t take the back seat in someone’s heart when I know I belong in the front row.
I. Just. Won’t.