“Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men,
Couldn’t put Humpty together again”
This childhood nursery rhyme is in my head this morning as I drive. I rounded the bend in the road and crossed over the railroad tracks and it played through my mind again.
“Couldn’t put Humpty together again.”
Shattered to pieces, poor Humpty. And where was the King? If all the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t, could the King have put him back together again?
Will my King put me back together again?
I think the better question is, “Will I allow Him?”
I cannot play the victim here. I can no longer afford to allow other people’s actions or lack of dictate WHO I am. And I have allowed it. It’s a choice I’ve made, over and over and over again. It’s an old habit, an old neighbor, if you will, and the property lines are no longer clear and weeds have encroached me.
I am not broken.
And though I feel that I am, because I am most definitely bruised, I will not lay on the floor in a thousand little pieces waiting for someone to come rescue me. Waiting for someone to notice that I have fallen and fallen hard.
I show up to my doctor’s appointment and I am brutally honest. I am honest with my feelings. I am honest with my thoughts. I am even honest with the not good ones. There is no covering up today, I am direct.
“Help me. I need just a little. Just a little to get me through.”
I sound beggy. I sound pleady. Like a child, I out stretch my hand, “Please.”
Please. Because I am looking for a fix.
My feelings are running the show and I need to make sense of them, I need order, I need peace.
I want to escape. I want to run. I want to numb out. I no longer want to feel.
So we talk some more, she hugs me at the end after taking way more time with me than she should and hands me a script. I walk to the check-out desk with hope in my hands that maybe a little pill will help me to not feel all over the place so I can think clearer, be better.
Because I have indeed fallen all apart.
And I have hope to fall back together again.
Hope that reaching out to the doctor is a step forward.