I wake up and am filled with a heaviness that has settled deep within my gut. I feel as if I just gave my hand full of aces away. I had the winning card but instead said, “Here. You need some help? Take mine.”
I don’t like this feeling. I want to reject this thought but I believe it is telling me to have another conversation.
“Make sure you are very clear with your heart.”
There’s this thing that happens in our marriage called the “smooth over.” It’s what I call the times when instead of getting to work, someone tries to smooth things over and usually I feel that person is not me.
I’m the talker. I will talk things to death. Talking makes me feel safe. Things happen if there is enough talking. I am also a fixer and when action plans are put in place, I feel smothered in the protection of steps.
The heaviness makes me wonder if I just used forgiveness to smooth things over. Was the pain so great that I decided to no longer bear it? Maybe if I mouthed those magic words “I forgive you. I choose to forgive you,” it would alleviate the tight grip I felt around my neck.
Part of me feels that maybe I did. Another quick fix? I hope not.
Maybe this raw and achy feeling is there to teach me how to be mindful and watchful moving forward. Will he do what he said? I’m afraid he won’t and I don’t want to keep track or score. The entirety of my life I feel as if I have continuously held a clip board in my hand, marking things off with my little ball point pen as I go. Past experience has shown me that it’s easy to say all the right things in the moment when emotions are high and situations higher, but past experience has also shown me we both have a tendency to get lackadaisical in our commitments for various reasons and to various degrees.
Will he show up? Hell. Will I?
I decide not to remind him one more time of what he said. He is not a child. I decide he said it, I have to choose to trust it. To trust him. To extend trust even though I don’t feel he has earned or deserved it. After all, isn’t that what Jesus does for me? Doesn’t He hand me the keys to the Kingdom on a daily basis all while cheering me on through the gates despite my past performance?
Sometimes I don’t even know. Everything seems upside down.
I decide I need to rest and place my hope in ME. I hear my friend Jen’s voice in my head encouraging me to do so and I decide I wanted to forgive because forgiveness is a huge part of WHO I am and not because I was looking for a ticket out. This isn’t just about my marriage or our latest snag. I decide that I AM going to glean everything possible from this journey. That I AM going to make changes. IN ME. That I know it is more than just a we issue, I HAVE A PART.
So I crawl out of bed and head to the coffee pot and this time forgo the rum. That was yesterday and I no longer want it. The heavy feeling follows me around all day long and I don’t say a word about it and I don’t ask to be reassured that changes are coming. I do however show up with my open heart and love in every way I know I was born to love knowing that change is already here because I am.