In the moment when things feel BIG, I realize I play sides. I draw an imaginary line down the middle and choose. I’m either all in or all out, you cannot make me straddle.
My heart is one-hundred percent on board, all hands on deck and prepared to go down with the ship if necessary.
My heart’s not even going to wait around for a life boat because it has already bailed, as in already jumped overboard having believed it’s chances of survival are better left in unknown waters with man eating sharks than on aboard in dangerous territory.
Two extremes I know, but through a series of unfortunate events, I’ve come to this brutal and beautiful realization:
I feel safe or I don’t.
I feel hopeful or I don’t.
I tend to feel a lot of things. Which is great right? Not always.
I recently felt so unsafe in a recent situation that I unfriended my own husband on social media. Facebook friend, not having it. I feel very much like a child even typing these words but I will own it because I did it and there isn’t any sense in pretending I didn’t. If you want real life, here you go.
“All in” means my heart feels safe with you and “all out” means my heart doesn’t and if it doesn’t, I don’t want you to have any access to me. None. Zero. Zip.
It’s very much like living in high school and re-enacting the drama that unfolds on a daily basis in the locker room or during third period math class. I can’t even believe I did it but in the heat of the moment, I felt I had every right and justification to bail. I jumped ship as a means to protect myself from my enemy. I have since apologized and friended him again, which he accepted, THANK GOD, and hopefully someday we will have a good laugh but in the meantime, it really showed me my heart.
Ouch. My hurting heart.
It showed me how majorly unprotected I felt and really, it’s no one else’s job to protect my heart but mine. After all, my life verse is: “Above all else, guard YOUR heart, for all of life flows from it.” – Proverbs 4:23
I’ve got work to do.
It showed me how majorly untrusting of the Lord I was in that moment. It showed me how I was looking at my husband as my enemy first and foremost instead of seeing him for who he is created to be in Jesus. It also showed me how much I tend to go by my feelings.
As a empath, I have the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other person’s frame of reference which is wonderful. I have a lot of very deep and meaningful relationships and connections because I am such a deep-hearted feeler but because my heart feels so deeply, I also find I only have two switches:
On and Off.
I know I need to sit and process this further but for now, IS there an in between? Is there a place for one’s heart to reside in the middle of some scale? Yes. I know there is because I have met a lot of lukewarm people but I am not one of them. I am an extremist. It seems really right when my heart is all the way on and open…
It feels like Jesus.
So word to the wise, let your feelings come and let your feelings go as you can. Allow the storm to settle before you quickly make rash and unwise plans to jump ship head first into waters that most likely will drown you based off of how you feel. Seriosuly, whoever wants to have a dinner conversation that starts of with, “Hey. How was your day? By the way, please pass the corn, when I was really mad at you the other day, I blocked you. We are still married but no longer “friends. Do we have bread?” Doing things like that may feel good and may seem right in the moment because protection can’t be wrong. Right?
The question should be; WHO are you protecting yourself from?
It might not be from who you think.