I woke up this morning and am angry all over again. Perhaps my anger never left like I had hoped. Maybe it just comes in waves and is as natural and as normal as the sea. I think this is so. I’m in the angry phase and in this particular case, I’d have to say it’s allowed and legit.
I’m angry because I’ve ordered 160 Christmas cards with our family pictured perfectly. I’m angry I just bought stamps and then extra stamps because the envelopes are square and you need extra stamps for square envelopes and now I have to do something with them. I have to mail pictures of my people taken on the day than none of us really knew that we were falling apart
In my opinion, emotional affairs or misguided friendships (as is our current situation) is worse than sexual ones. They don’t happen haphazardly over night and don’t take place in the backseat of someones car. They happen in someone’s heart and in the daily sharing and presence. What starts out as innocently sharing ends up being incredibly ravenous and eventually, if left unchecked, destroys trust and breaks hearts.
Our marriage had fractured long before this moment, his doing, my doing, our doing and lots of miscommunication, but we chose to keep stepping forward on a film of thin ice and now we’ve all fallen through. It’s obvious now that weekend get aways could not save us. Victoria Secrets lingerie could not either nor could freshly painted bedrooms and new beds. But our hearts could have. Our hearts could have if we could have both agreed to continuously and intentionally meet in the middle. It’s all just too sad that we didn’t.
This is bullshit.
Sadness floods me for my family.
I come downstairs and silence reigns in our home. He slept again on the couch and the kids aren’t yet awake and we sidestep around each other at the coffee pot. It almost seems like our normal routine but then I remember my anger and I know that it’s not.
Anger has filled the places where longing for more or accepting what is used to be. I wonder if it will ever change. I am sure that it will.
This is what I tell myself.
I grab my Bible and head to the couch. I need Jesus and since my anger is making it hard for Him to come and sit in my space, I’ll go to Him and sit in His. I hold it in my hands and plead.
My reading plan has me in Matthew and I’m at 1:23. Its ends with “God became one of us” which also translates to “God with us” or “God amongst us” and it is enough for me to know that Jesus sits with me in my anger. He is riding along side me on my wave. He is dwelling in every moment, in every thought and feeling along the way.
I trust that this moment is bigger than just THIS small snag. I’d like to believe we can work through and will come out stronger on the other side but for now I resolve that I will.