Sometimes I think it may be better to not know, because once you know, you can’t unknow and if you don’t carefully guard your mind and your heart, you end up finding yourself wanting to know more than what is best.
And knowing really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
My little checks in my gut about my husband turned out to be correct. I’ve been sucker punched and all day I have rode a roller coaster of emotions ranging from anger to sadness to confusion and denial and then back to anger all mixed together with a numbness I can’t control, smothered in my tears. I’ve tried to discover the extent of the communication that has been taking place but all my digging did was make my mind wander and me feel lost.
I realized in the midst of doing so, trying to get mad at someone or trying to make sense of something, trying to gain a better understanding of why or what or when isn’t going to do me any good. It’s happened. Whatever has been done. All of my incessant questioning is doing is building in me continued anger and hurt. It makes me feel like it’s my fault, that maybe I could of done different, been different.
I am not responsible for what has happened but I am responsible for me. I am responsible for how I respond and what I allow in and out of my heart.
I have to keep moving forward and stay focused. I have to keep seeking the bigger picture and do my best to let the emotions come and the emotions go. I need to allow let this hurt and disappointment to burn as it needs to but I can’t stoke the fire trying gain understanding or make sense. There is no understanding what is incomprehensible. There is no beginning or end to it. It will never make sense and finding all the details out won’t make it.
This too I must learn to embrace.
I have to make this particular enemy my friend or rage, anger and sadness will destroy me. It’s now on the list of choices and decisions I have to make that wasn’t on my list a week ago.
This is going to take time. I can’t rush. I can’t fix.
So in the meantime, I’ll do the next thing.
I’ll go to my meeting. I’ll smile and be polite. If someone asks me how I’m doing, I will give them nod that says “Perhaps I’ve been better but at least I showed up” and then I’ll go home and since there wasn’t much sleep last night, I’ll take a small little blue pill and tomorrow will be another day.