We are seven weeks into boot camp which means we are on day forty-eight and have one scripted phone call and ten letters. The long and the short of it is is…I miss our son. What I wouldn’t do to hear his voice and to tell him I love him.
And on Friday at 9:46 AM he called my phone.
I was giving my full attention to the person I was in a meeting with and when they walked out the door and I looked down at my phone, my heart broke. I had missed him. Maybe it was my own sadness and longing to connect but a very big part of me heard it in his voice as well. My son on the other end, miles and hours away, longing to do the same and here we were, both broken for it.
A lot of emotions started to go through me.
*I was thankful I got to hear his voice. This was not a scripted call nor did he yell into the phone as Marine Recruits typically do. This was our son. Our compassionate, loyal and witty son. “Hi Mom, its Tristan…” He sounded serene, mature and my thoughts drifted to gratitude.
*I was angry. Angry at the person who preoccupied my time. Angry at being distracted that I couldn’t even look down at the screen of my watch to see who was calling. Bitter, my heart was turning ugly.
*I was heartbroken. I write him several times a week and in each letter I tell him how much I love him, how much we ALL do but knowing he was trying to reach out and I had missed an opportunity to audibly speak those words….it just hurt. I called his girlfriend, which looking back now was the WRONG person to call. You don’t ever call the girlfriend because part of me thinks that was just mean, but sometimes you just need someone to cry WITH you. Someone who gets it, who gets YOU.
This is just a small example of life as of late. Thoughts and emotions are all over the place for all particular reasons. Our son was calling us to let us know they were evacuating the base because of Hurricane Irma and as I sat in my vehicle praying for this natural storm to disippate, I realized I needed to shift my attention and my focus to the storm inside of me. *CATEGORY TEN* I don’t know how, on my own, to stop it. It’s raging and appears to be gaining speed with gale force winds and destruction that’s imminent. I want nothing more than to hide under the bow of my boat as the water laps my feet, deep within myself, and stay there safe and protected, but I hear Jesus whisper, “Stand and speak to the storm.”
So today I took a stand. I made a phone call. I made two. I reached out for help. I need to start focusing on navigating MY boat. As much as I care for the safety of others, I won’t do anyone good if I drown in a few inches worth of water.
Sometimes the first person you need to save is yourself.
Speak to YOUR storm.