It is really hard to show up and do your part knowing you are dependent on someone else to show up and do theirs…
And they don’t.
I wish I could say that I am writing this from a “Been there, done that,”point-of-view, but I can’t. My match has been lit and I am sitting. On fire.
As I sit here, I hear all the “RIGHT THINGS” in my head. I hear, “You have the mind of Christ and these thoughts that you have in your head right now are not. Tisk Tisk.”
I scowl. “Shut up.”
Truly I say to you, unequally yoked IS NOT FAIR. This is one of the many reasons why relying ON others is difficult for me at times. I try, I swear I try, and I get let down and here I am all over again **strike**
I am trying so hard to reconcile what I feel with what I know in my head…and Jesus sits to my side and whispers, “It’s your heart. Pay attention right now to your heart. It is closing…”
Friends, there is nothing quite like having THAT reality shoved in your face…
1 hour later…
An unexpected side conversation took my time and attention off of my brew. Hindsight..this was best. Idleness just gave me too much time to roll the SAME thought through my head and I appreciate focusing on someone else other than POOR ME because that is what IT’S NOT FAIRdoes and it does it with a VENGEANCE. You entertain it ONE TIME and it takes OVER the house and YOU become the hostage.
So here is what I’ve learned in my two-hour jaunt with the burn…
***It’s people. Today wasn’t my turn but my experience tells me that perhaps tomorrow will be. I will show up disshelved and unprepared to do life and I will INCONVENIENCE another living being. They will strike THEIR match on MY heel. Made IN relationship, FOR relationship….this needs to remain the focus.
Tomorrows another day. TAG…someone else please be IT!
***The match is going to strike. I am human. Just because I began to think and feel all this STUFF, doesn’t mean I am failing at life nor does it mean that it’s the end of the world and all is doomed. It just another freakin’ amazing opportunity to put actual feet to my faith. “What is going on inside of me?” Yeah…not good things. STILL WORK TO DO and THAT I can handle.
Commence the continuing saga of “Conversations with Jesus.” Airing daily at theater near you.
***OK so the burn hurts. It hurts my heart which is why the emotions come and the head begins to get all dizzy and flooded with thoughts. It hurt because it’s people. People I love. People I trust. It hurts to get let down. It hurts to take things seriously and see people as important and then when it goes South, it feels like “If they really cared or saw me with the same value and worth as I see them, this would not have happeneded.”
The burn helps me realize WHO I AM. Would I still show up the same, fully me, doing MY part? YES. That is one thing I do not want to be contingent on someone else. I do it because it’s a part of me and is nonnegotiable. I think about Jesus. He is who He says He is regardless if I believe in Him, regardless if I am in relationship with Him. I think about all the times I have NOT…and He still IS. Does that strike His match?
His heart remains open to me. No matter how hot the heat…
So friends, WHEN you find yourself in disappointments seat and hurt is driving you straight into a fiery inferno…TAKE A STEP BACK. Take a small piece of your time and GAIN PERSPECTIVE. Go for a walk. Talk to the dog. Listen to someone else share about their day. Does this person really have that much control over you that they have officially RUINED YOUR LIFE becuase they didn’t live up to your expecations? If so, fine. Go right ahead and light yourself on fire and tomorrow or the day after or the month after that, WHEN IT’S YOUR TURN and YOU screw it all up and let the entire world down….
I pray that mercy, grace and unlimited amounts of love find you and tell you…
It’s time to move on. Chin up. Tomorrow is another day.