Have you ever been in two places at the same time? The place where you are physically in one place and the other half of you is somewhere else meandering around in your mind or in your heart. I have. Yesterday I was in a car for s-e-v-e-n hours total traveling with my family…fielding questions, singing, laughing and at the same time, I was sitting with Jesus somewhere in the midst of the bustle asking, “Where do I go from here?” I know I haven’t been in the “best” place, but still…not all lost because regardless of what it has looked and felt like, I still have been in SOME place.
Seven hours later, I really hadn’t receive a response that gave a finite answer. I think I’m the type-of-girl who thinks she wants step 1 ——> step 2 = step 3, but really I’m not all about that one bit. Top pretty. Too packaged. The only thing I know is my heart intuition saysto keep taking steps when steps are needed and to keep taking steps WITH Him. “Keep doing what you are doing now.” My family, chaos, car rides and me living in two-worlds with the person of the Lord…check.
I mentioned in my last post “honest” that I asked several leaders from our church to pray for me on Sunday, and not just walk away and “pray for me” or add me to some prayer chain, but “Grab my hands right now, look me in the eyes and stampede the throne room with me.” A tenderhearted man who I don’t know well named Steve Burris grabbed my hand. He asked me to do him a favor, and though I have never really spent any amount of time with him, I know enough to take what he says seriously. He asked me to take a really deep breath.
Because I have been holding mine.
And the tears began to flow becuase THAT hit home.
For months I have been holding my breath, trying to get through with both fist clenched tight. “If I can just make it through the day.”
Me. Myself. and I.
The very breath of life, Holy Spirit Himself, I shut out.
“I can do this on my own. I can get by. I can fix.”
Pain tempts you to think the most awfulest of things. It makes you feel isolated and alone. It makes you think you are in a great battle instead of trusting that the war has already been won and that you can rest in what has been done.
I held my breath and gave back my rest. I am sorry Jesus.
So I stood Sunday in the parking lot breathing in and breathing out FOR REAL as my church family stood with me. I don’t think I needed to explain much of the situation, it’s obvious I have been deficient of oxygen as my thinking has been affected by my poor brain, but as I stood…my lungs and my pores began opening up as I felt His/their love as we stood in the middle of a vacant parking lot. Who cared who saw. Who care anything. I was believing lies and wanted to be free. ***Once more…invite people into your pain. If you still haven’t done so and are doing it alone, don’t. Reach out to just one person. Then reach out to two. It’s the best thing I’ve done since Sunday. Perhaps it’s just the best thing I have done.***
LIE: “You have been a Christian for 10 years. You have proclaimed to walk intimately with Jesus. You have… IF you are WHO you say you are…YOU. WOULD’T BE HERE stuck in the middle of the parking lot needing prayer.” This is the lie I STILL hear in my head. It is perhaps the #1 way we get attacked. IF. YOU. ARE. **a good mom**a good wife**a good person**caring**honest**loving**merciful**grace-filled** Sounds an awful like how Jesus was questioned in Matthew 4. Go read it. Once we give into the lie that our identity is anything LESS THAN the truth = BONDAGE.
Don’t let your pain or your pride stop you from going after what you know you want or need.
*SO* In the car driving, somewhere resting with Jesus…no easy answers, no ah-hah revelation except the simple knowing, my heart intuition, that if I keep sitting with Him long enough, if I keep breathing-in this life, this ABUNDANT, AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL life and keep stepping, HE WILL GUIDE ME INTO WHAT’S NEXT.
I don’t have to have it figured out. I have an overwhelming understanding, despite my perceived lack of it, that it’s OK to hurt at times. It is OK to have just walked through a really hard season and say “GEESH. THAT ALL JUST SUCKED.” It’s when I believe the lie that it’s better to do it on my own that I stop breathing because the heavy responsibility of it all falls back on me and my chest feels crushed, lungs and all, by the weight.
Breathing WITH Him. Step one.
Further ahead today than yesterday. Two steps further then the day before. Leaning in more than I have in a long time.