Bondage begins when you come into agreement with something that is not true, like when I was a sophomore in college and believed the lie I was fat. I was indeed not fat but was athletic and healthy and allowed a comment made about my muscular body to partner with a lie that I already believed about myself. That is what lies do, they grab ahold of other lies like straws…hoping to catch one that may stick. I allowed YOU. ARE. FAT. to stick and fell into an eating disorder for thirteen years and when I say that out loud, it is sobering. Thirteen years is a very long time. The lie that I was fat fed a slew of other lies that were already in me and there I was, incarcerated; face in a toilet for years. Binge. Purge. Binge. Purge. Begin again.
The original lie was that I was not enough. August as her original self needed to be different or was too different and needed to right because she was wrong. There was an emptiness inside that needed filled and throughout my whole life, I have used things or people to fill it. Ask me if that’s worked?
When you know you are in bondage to lies you are believing and you want to be free, you take one lie at a time and you tackle it. Where did this come from? Why is it here? What is the truth? If you are lucky, you find a lie that has other lies attached and when you get one, you get some and it’s a win. But some lies are rooted deep and sometimes out of habit, you find yourself sitting back at their feet because they are known and comfortable and you become their slave. That’s been the case for me…known and comfortable because change takes work and hard labor is tiring.
During the last few months, I have been laboring relentlessly and after a solid week of napping every day, I realized WHY I am so tired…I am in bondage. I have fallen prey to a lie and like a captive, am chained. For the last few weeks, I have strained and pulled trying to break free (on my own, in my own strength) and today when I woke up wondering why I’ve been so tired, Jesus said, “Dispel the lie to find your freedom.”
So what lies have I been believing?
**People cannot be trusted. They will say one thing to your face and another thing behind your back. I am tired of games. I am an adult who is tired of high-school drama.
**People cannot be relied upon. I have turned my “need” of people off because I have been disappointed. They are unreliable, even when I try to keep expectations to a minimum. Even when I think I have realistic standards, inevitably I will have to stand on my own.
**Talk is cheap. Words are worth a dime a dozen. What sounds good is sometimes a bunch a fluff because when there’s not follow through, words sting.
I am sure I could go on a scavenger hunt and find some more, but these are the three lies that are right now up in my face. Yes, it is obvious I have been hurt. Where does this leave me? All three of these “lies” have been real. These past few months have been hard and these “lies” are legitimate. I wish I could sit back and say they are in my head but they are more in my reality than I’d like. I think the first step in breaking free is knowing what lie(s) I’ve been believing so I can begin a conversation with the Father…which I haven’t done in a while. LIKE A REAL CONVERSATION ABOUT MY PAIN. I’ve been an excellent complainer, an outstanding crier…but listener? Communicator? Not so much.
Word by word. Action by action. Brick by brick. I have erected a wall and today during church, I knew it. Afterwards I walked up to some of our leaders and said, “I need you guys to pray. I am out of sorts.” Shut down, holed up, turned off…whatever the word, I just know I am at a place I don’t want to be and I know the best place to be is to be with people who love and care, even though the lie is present saying that they WON’T.
So if you are in a place you don’t like, a place you know you don’t want to be…my only encouragement to you right now is to invite people into that place with you. Don’t go it alone. Despite what you may think or feel about people based off a few expereinces, goodness wins. Love does. On the other side of the person that you invite into your space is the Lord Himself and when you shut them out, you shut Him out. I thought it wouldn’t work that way…but it does.
If I can’t be honest with where I am at, the lies win.
The lies cannot win.