I have some of the best conversations between God and myself when I am driving. My vehicle wanders from one location to the next and my mind often wanders with it. It’s during these times, I have some of the most thought-proking of thoughts and as a writer, I love to process by putting words down on paper. HOWEVER, since I am driving, writing is an impossibility so I find myself trying really hard to capture each word and replay conversations in my head so not to lose a single syllable, but a lot of times…they are lost.

I begin to think about getting home, do I need to stop and buy milk? Who has what going on tonight? The memory of the conversation may pop back into my head and it is there I wonder if the words will formulate again into something in me, but even words have a way of digging their hook into my skin. As a writer, I have had to learn to hold even my words loosely in my hands so they could be free.

So I could be.

Just yesterday I sat at my desk writing and I was sure I saved it, but I got up to drive and came home and it was gone. I scaveneged every area on my computer and finally came to conclusion, what I had just poured myself into was unsalvageable. I could try to weed through all the boxes in my head and heart and possibly recreate another version, but it would not be the same. When I try to go back to what was, I lose authenticity by creating what is only a copy. No matter how GOOD a thought that translated itself into words in my head was, I do not want to tirelessly sift and sort trying to caption a glimpse of what I had. It is never the same.

I know I am using writing as an example, but this really speaks to so much more…

We cannot go back. We cannot return to something that we once had or did and recreate it. It won’t be the same no matter how we fool ourselves into thinking it could be. We cannot revisit an ideal time in life and live in easier moments or bliss-filled days. We cannot go back to relationships or the way things used to be in them and ask them to remain forever etched in stone without change. Yes, life is much like the thoughts I have. Good ones come and good ones go, but most of them were just to be had in the moment, treasured and then released. They are merely opportunities that allow a seed, be it a word or a moment or a person, to be planted deep within you…

And once planted and deeply rooted, it can never be taken away or forgotten. It doesn’t need to be contained in some alabaster jar and placed on some mantle as a prize…

Breaking it open and allowing its contents to pour out unfractured is hard for if we hold our jar too tightly, the pressure from our grasp inadvertently cracks its contents. We find ourselves discouraged and weary from relentlessly trying to recreate and then incredibly disappointment when our expectation is not met. I need to let my words go, I need to let conversations just be conversations instead of thinking I need to scoop them all up in my net and box them up neatly in my storehouse. I need, because I WANT, to be present in the moment. And each moment only comes once…

Once.

Letting go to move on is as necessary as breathing and life has much breath in it.

Inhale deeply. Exhale the same.