Every time the world around me grows big, I go smaller. I unravel like a spool of homespun thread.
There’s not too much us friends don’t talk about now a days thanks to social media and it’s made us all become one big dysfunctional family learning how to communicate around the dinner table. We have BIG thoughts. BIG emotions. LOUD voices. It all becomes quite complicated and fuzzy and when it does, I find the need to defray.
One thread at a time.
I had lunch today with an old friend. We ate at a place I used to work at in college and to this day, one of my past coworkers still works there. He’s flamboyant and full of life and is your stereotypical gay man, if there is such a thing. He came to the table and said hello, discovered he knew me and we began our exchange. However, my friend just didn’t quite know what to do with a flamboyant gay man and it showed.
It all took place in a matter of a moment.
I’m reading him, he’s reading her. She adjusts and forces a smile. He adjust and realizes her hesitancy and it hits me. She has probably forced a smile her whole life when she doesn’t know what else to and has not given herself permission to do otherwise and he’s learned overtime how to tell who’s comfortable in his presence and who isn’t and there I just sat in the middle, wanting to order a Coke.
I tired from figuring out how to maneuver the pieces and stood up and gave him a hug.
He didn’t let go. Nor did I.
I drove by a graveyard later in the day and look at the tombstones jaunting out of the earth. I realize, one day, I will be there too, buried beneath the dirt with my own tombstone jaunting upward. Overtime, it will tilt and slightly crack and my engraved name will fade. It’s a quick thought, a hurried blur, but I wonder if I will have made an impact when that times comes.
I no longer want to take up space.
I long to make room.
There was more to my day that prompted me to pause. Pause helps me see. Pause helps me hear. It’s like hitting the rest button that drowns out the noise and it restores my heart with gratitude. The miniature horse that was led through the tractor store gave me a chuckle and reminded that laughter and nonsense are important. The sole white dove flying with a swarm of sparrows reminded me that we can all get along just fine despite our differences and the sun peeking through the rain-filled clouds reminded me that despite what I see, light is always there.
That good is.