I have been told over the years that I wear my heart on my sleeve and every time I hear those words, I’m not quite sure how to respond. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I guess that depends on one’s perspective. To me, it really means NO thing because I’m tired of trying to determine what is good and what is bad just like I am tired of determining what is the right way and what is the wrong way. Most times when I make a determination, it feels like I am putting myself (or my actions and my words) on some scale to be weighed when in my heart I just KNOW, I am trying my best. Am I using the “right” words most of the time? Am I making the best decisions? No. If I weighed myself and my life to the ounce, I’d stop all together trying to get it all together and that’s not my goal.
My “goal” or my purpose in life is to keep living my life by remaining in pursuit of my most authentic self, revealing the person of the Lord as I do so. I do not believe in CREATING myself but rather than, simply BEING myself and that right there ladies and gentlemen has been both a beautiful and a distarous journey in itself. It’s an un-doing of sorts (loads un unlearning) which has revealed an incredibly open and vulnerable heart. A heart that is soft and tender, strong and spongy, broken at times but willing. If it looks like I “wear my heart on my sleeves” as a result, so be it.
If those are the words that some can identify with, so be it. I call it being honest. Being real. Being authentic and true. Being ME. I call it keeping my heart open to being transformed and allowing the Spirit of God to search me and I know I am only scratching the surface. And sometimes, sometimes I INVITE Y-O-U into that space with me as a way to connect and build perhaps a relationship of sorts. Perhaps it’s my way of ensuring I am not alone in my stepping. Perhaps if you see and hear where I am at in MINE, you’d invite me into where you are at in YOURS and we can all find encouragement to continue. Perhaps I just haven’t found distinct starting and ending points yet, like obvious lines drawn in the sand where time with the Lord begins/ends and time with you begins/ends and I keep treating the two as if they were one. Perhaps I just don’t know the difference because there is none…
So why am I often left feeling regretful for sharing?
That I SHOULDN’T have just shared THAT!
Him and I, good. Yeah maybe…
You and I, not so much.
There has been a cost to wearing my heart on my sleeve or being open and intentionally vulnerable. Though it is an invitation to a relationship and a great deal of encouragement, it also has opened me up to other’s opinions and experiences and a lot of them are helpful and good but I have found, as a recovering people pleaser, at times it can FEEL like being held up to a measuring stick or corrected. The combination of the two often wreak havoc with my thought life (this is where good/bad right/wrong enter the picture). It can FEEL like someone is trying to FIX me or proceed with their own agenda at my cost. It can make me FEEL that I should shut up and sit down and re-erect the walls I lived behind for so long.
And “Feelings make terrible leaders.” – Mark Durniak
I realized I am not soliciting a response that has anything to DO with my words though my words are what you see and hear. What they are really saying is this: “Have you SEEN my heart? Have you HEARD it? For surely if you had, you would see and hear…me.”
And so, when I place myself in a position to be vulnerable and I open my heart and invite you inside, realize that it is not about YOU at all. It is not about whether or not you accept the invitation or that you meet and exceed the idea I have in my head of how you will respond. It is none of my business what you think about my heart but if I TRUST the Father and you with it. I share because it’s WHO I am. I share a conversation that’s already been taking place and since I can’t distinguish non-existent lines, I invite you into an already existent dialogue. Wether it’s me in Him or you in Him, at the end of the day…an audience with the Father is never wrong or bad. His searching always turns up something and is always an invitation to another un-doing or unlearning. Despite how I FEEL about the process, something more is always discovered.
Yes, vulnerability comes with a cost. It is not free, but if my focus is to remain in pursuit of my most authentic self, it is worth it. No matter the price.
Round Table Discussion:
Do you find it easy or difficult to open up share yourself with others? Why or why not?
Do you have any fears tied to being real, authentic or honest? If so, what are they? Why do you think they are there?
How do you respond when someone opens up their heart and shares with you? Are you prone to listen, to fix, to share your own experiences?
Is it hard for you TO respond? Why or why not?